Mom Jeans

I have watched a lot of old black and white  “Classic” movies from the 1930’s and 40’s lately.  I find them oddly comforting in the same way that things like heating pads and oatmeal do during January.  The plots are simple, good usually triumphs in the end, and best of all, NONE  of the women are wearing blue jeans.

If you are a woman past the age of 50, it is nearly impossible to find a decent pair of blue jeans.  I know this for a fact because I’ve been on the hunt and I have  noticed an alarming trend.    A lot of the jeans for more mature women are embellished on the back side.  And a lot of them have big, sparkly, back pockets.

I have been perfectly happy with plain old blue jeans since the 1970’s.  The simpler the better.  I want them to fit me decently. I want them to be comfortable.  I want them not to shrink two sizes after the first washing.   Here’s what I don’t want.  I do not want Bling on my back side.

I saw one pair yesterday that had so many silver sequins on the rear end that a woman wearing them could stand in for a lighthouse on the shore of Lake Superior if she was so inclined simply by climbing up on a cliff during a full moon and twirling around slowly in a circle while screaming at the top of her lungs.  Who WEARS these things?  And who decided that trying to get older women to buy 80 dollar pairs of blue jeans with silver sequins on the butt was a good idea?  Oh sure, if you’re say, sixteen years old, they might be cute.  However,  there is nothing cute about a grandmother with a flashy Booty. Just sayin’.

I wonder what my grandmother, a woman who loved classic, well-tailored clothing would think of these Fancy Granny Pants.  Every couple of months she would get the itch to take a road trip  to Bemidji to visit the woolen mill where she would meander through the stacks of finely woven fabrics, wool blankets and cashmere sweaters in a trance, stopping occasionally to murmur,  “Oh!  Just look at this one!” to nobody in particular as she caressed a collar, checked a lining, or admired a perfectly sewn seam.  The outings were more of a pilgrimage or trip back in time for her since she rarely bought anything.  Her whole life, she yearned to be the type of seamstress her own mother had been. During the Depression a couple of yards of fabric and a picture torn from a movie magazine was all it took for my great-grandmother to duplicate the  dresses her two daughters coveted. The ones worn by the leading ladies of the Silver Screen.

It is getting more and more difficult to find clothing for women of a certain age who would prefer not to look ridiculous (or like a lighthouse) isn’t it?  The actresses in those classic films of the 30’s and 40’s always looked fabulous even when the plot lines left a lot to be desired.

And as for those flashy jeans with the sparkly pockets?  I’ll pass.  I can’t imagine anything more uncomfortable than driving all the way to Bemidji with sequins digging into my back side, can you?